


Kim Jong Elmo vs Dick Cheney and George Bush featuring Lapis Lazuli

by JustSagan



Category: Political RPF - UK 20th-21st c., Political RPF - US 21st c., Sesame Street (TV), Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Adventure, American Politics, Battle, Beer, Bombs, Communism, Crossover, Death, Guns, MERICA, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-25
Updated: 2019-01-25
Packaged: 2019-10-16 04:12:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17542457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustSagan/pseuds/JustSagan
Summary: The spirit of Kim Jong Il is now in control of Elmo. Now it's up to Dick Cheney, George Bush and a certain blue gem to stop him.





	1. The Rise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...Communism

So... This was actually a story I wrote a LONG ago (as in before I was uploading here) that I never finished. I have now finished it and decided to post it here. The first two chapters are going to look a little different when it comes to writing style, but the other two will look more modern. I hope you all enjoy! 

[ ](https://imgur.com/iwu5t92)

Sesame Street… What was once a vibrant and happy place. is now under the boot of communism. All thanks to their new leader... Kim Jong Elmo. Because as you more than likely already know, (Unless you never paid attention in history class) Kim Jong Il was actually a spiritual being that was made of pure Communism. So when he died he needed a new host. Unfortunately for us, the host he chose was one of our greatest Murican heroes, Elmo.

When the spirit of Kim Jong Il took over Elmo, Elmo began to enforce new rules for Sesame Street. He created focus time camps, segregated humans and puppets, turned the Swedish Chef's kitchen into a nuke kitchen, turned the cookie monster into the veggie monster, and so much more.

At first, the citizens of Sesame Street thought Elmo was just joking around. However when they started to notice that all the humans have gone missing and that anyone who asked Elmo about the humans' whereabouts were immediately captured by Elmo secret service agents. They knew that this was not a prank bro!

After Elmo had complete power over Sesame Street, it was time for phase two of Elmo's plan. Elmo announced that he would be giving a televised speech and that he would love for all the world to watch. The world was unaware that Elmo had become a Communist bastard, so people were happy to see what Elmo had to say. Including a certain longtime fan…

Meanwhile, Dick Cheney was enjoying his favorite new hobby. Looking at Steven Universe rule 34 fanart. More specifically, the Lapis Lazuli section of it. When Dick Cheney first laid eyes on her in the episode where she tried to murder two children, Dick knew he was in love with her.

However, as he was looking through all of the amazing porn, he got an email from his acquaintance Harry Whittington. Dick opened up the email, and the email read "Hey Dick, did you hear that Elmo will be giving a live speech on television today?" Dick Cheney was happy and surprised. Elmo had always been a great Murican role model, and Dick was excited to see Elmo speak again. Mainly because Elmo has such a way with words.

Dick Cheney quickly turned on his small TV that he keeps on his desk, and changes the channel to Sesame Street, There he saw Elmo, however, something seemed off… But Dick just ignored it since Elmo looked like he was about ready to give his speech.

Elmo got the ok from the ESSA (Elmo Secret Service Agents) and began to speak. "People of the world, but specifically the Yallnited Steaks of Murica! Elmo has a message for you!" Dick Cheney started to get worried, Elmo's tone was so bitter and heartless. "Elmo wants all of you to know that Sesame Street is no longer a friendly neutral street, but we are now a Communist street!" A tear began to form in Dick Cheney's eye. "And for those of you deny Elmo's power!" Elmo then pushes a red button that was on the podium. At first, it seemed like it did nothing, but then the camera pans over to the Swedish nuke kitchen. The building opens up, and a missile shoots out of it at lightning speeds.

The camera then pans back to Elmo, who is now telling two of his ESSA members to grab something. About a minute later, the two ESSA members return with a large flatscreen TV and place it next to Elmo for all to see. One of the ESSA members turns on the TV, revealing the Muppets. It appeared to be a live show, with no sound. Miss Piggy and Kermit appeared to be talking to each other, but suddenly they stopped. They began to look around in confusion, and just as Kermit looked up in horror, there was a large explosion. The connection died a second later. The Muppets were dead, and Elmo just stood there and smiled.

Dick Cheney couldn't take any more. He quickly turned off the TV and began to cry. Dick was hoping that this was just a bad dream, but he knew it was all too real. Dick Cheney cried for about a minute. He didn't know how to deal with this. "Why Elmo! Why have you forsaken us!?" Cried Dick Cheney at the top of his lungs. He had to do something, but what? Dick Cheney was about to send an email to George W Bush jr, but realized that he forgot to close his Lapis Lazuli porn. Dick decided that one last look would not hurt, and began to look at a picture of a completely nude Lapis.

However, as he stared at her blue naked body, he got an idea. "I know what I must do." Dick Cheney said to himself as he went on to Amazon. After about a minute of searching, he found what he was looking for. A Lapis Lazuli gem.

 


	2. The Heroes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They are assembled

Dick Cheney was waiting for the Lapis Lazuli gem to arrive at his mailbox. He knew that the gem was the only thing that stood between Elmo and World Domination. However as he was waiting, his old friend George W Bush jr came by for a visit. " _Howdy there Cheney, what are you up to?_ " George asked wondering why Dick was standing by his mailbox. "I'm waiting for something that will help me save Merica." This surprised George, but he decided to go along with it, and wait by the mailbox with Dick. George had nothing better to do with his day anyway.

After about 30 minutes of awkwardly waiting around the mailbox, the mail truck finally arrived. "Its finally here! Yes!" Dick is so happy that he begins to jump up and down, while George just wonders why Dick is so happy. The truck comes to a stop, and the driver walks out holding Dicks package. However as the driver walked out of the truck, George noticed something. "Wait a minute… You're a Russian!" George then proceeded to pull out his M16 rifle and began to open fire on the Communist. As expected, the communist stood no chance against the mighty Merican bullets. However, Dick Cheney was freaking out over this. "George stop! You might hit my package!" George stopped firing, and Dick grabbed his surprisingly undamaged package.

"Alright Dick, now will you tell me what's so important about this?" Dick, however, did not answer, and instead motioned for him to come into his house. Upon entering the house, Dick immediately set his package on his desk. "Alright George before I open my package, I have to show you something." Dick then walked over to his laptop and accidentally opened up his Lapis Lazuli porn. "What the hell is wrong with you? Everyone knows that Pearl is the hottest one!" George said as Dick was trying to close the page. "No that's not it! This is what I wanted to show you." Dick then opens up youtube and shows George the video of Elmo giving his speech. Needless to say, George was shocked.

"I knew this day would come, that red bastard could never be trusted," George said with true anger in his voice. "I know how you feel George, but fear not! I have something here that will help us!" Dick then opened up his package, revealing a Lapis Lazuli gem. George just stood there in confusion. "But that's not all! Check this out!" Dick then walked over to his bookshelf and pulled on one of his books. The bookshelf then slid open, revealing a secret laboratory.

As Dick and George walked into the lab, George couldn't help but wonder why Dick had this lab. "Dick, how and when did you get this lab?" Dick just looked back at George in confusion. "You don't remember? I got this when you and I raided the Moon after Russia took it over." After Dick said that, it all came back to George. "Oh, I remember now! I was drunk when we did that!" Said George proudly.

After a little walking around, Dick finally stopped at a large machine. It had a tube with "Put rock in" written above it, and the tube was connected to a large chamber with a door that had "Person comes out… I think" written above it.

"Oh, I remember now! Those Russians were planning to take rock samples from the moon, and make soldiers out of them with this machine!" George said. "Fortunately for us, they were so stupid that they wrote their own instructions on how to use this machine in English." George and Dick share a laugh, and then Dick walks up to the tube.

"Alright, let's do this!" Dick said as he places the Lapis Lazuli gem in the tube. The gem goes down the tube and eventually falls into the chamber. At first, it seemed like nothing happened, but then red mist started to fill the chamber. The gem then started to float up, and change into a female human looking figure. The figure then grew a dress and some hair. The figure finally fell to the ground, and Dick was happy with what he saw. "It's her!" Dick said happily.

After the red mist cleared, Dick opened up the door. Dick then walked up to Lapis and helped her up. "Who… Who are you?" Asked Lapis, who was shaken up. "I'm Dick Cheney. Welcome to Merica." Dick said happily. Dick then helped her out of the chamber and brought her towards George. "I can't believe this actually worked Dick!" Said George happily. "Alright George, let's head back to my office." They then walked back to Dicks office with new found hope.

"Here, sit down at my desk Lapis," Dick said as he helped Lapis to his desk chair. "Alright Lapis, we need you for something. Are you willing to help us?" George asked. "Well you two did give me life, so I guess so." Lapis happily said. "Alright then, let me show you what we are dealing with," Dick said as he opened up his laptop, but once again accidentally opened up his Lapis Lazuli porn. "Dammit, Dick! This is why you shouldn't bookmark porn!" George said as Lapis just stared at the porn of her with a blank expression.

"Alright now this is what I wanted to show you," Said Dick as he started to play Elmo's speech. Lapis watched the video with interest. However about half way through the video, a puppet busted through Dicks window. The puppet then ran towards Dick and held him at gunpoint. "Alright, you assholes! Elmo knows that you are plotting to stop him! So prepare to die!" However before he could shoot Dick, Lapis summoned some water from a flower vase in Dicks office and threw it towards the Communist puppet. "What are you do..." This was all the puppet could say before the water formed a bubble around the puppets head, and he began to drown. After about 30 seconds, the puppet was dead.

"Thanks, Lapis, you saved my life!" Dick said as he was catching his breath. "Oh, it was no problem… So when can we kill Elmo." Lapis asked with a smile. "So you enjoy killing communists? You already seem to have the Merican spirit!" George said happily. "Now let's not waste any more time. Let's get some guns, and go kill Elmo!" And with that, they all walked out of Dicks office.


	3. Sand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fan service

It's finally time…

After a long wait, it is time for Dick, George, and Lapis to finally put an end to Elmo, and bring the Merican spirit back to Sesame Street. They have gotten their guns, and are ready to kill some communists.

But first… It's time for a BEACH EPISODE!

…

Dick, George, and Lapis arrived at Freedom Beach and were ready to have a fun time.

" _Alright! Let's change into our beach outfits, and have some fun!_ " George said in an excited tone, as he began to change into his Disney swim trunks.

Dick Cheney also began to change. However, he did not change into swim trunks. He instead changed into a G-string.

Lapis, however, seemed a little nervous. Dick took notice of this.

" _Hey, Lapis, something wrong?_ " Dick said as he finished putting on his G-string.

" _Nothing's wrong… It's just the first time I have ever been to a beach…_ "

" _Oh don't be scared, a beach is a fun place! Right George?_ "

" _That's right. Now… let's get some ice cream!_ "

George then happily ran to the ice cream booth. Dick wanted to go along, but he wanted to wait for Lapis to finish changing. However, Lapis didn't want him to wait to long for her.

" _It's ok Dick, you can go, I'll catch up when I finish changing._ "

" _Oh, ok. If you say so._ "

Dick then ran to the booth, leaving Lapis by herself.

When Dick got to the booth, he was happy to see that George had already gotten him his favorite ice cream.

" _Hey, thanks George!_ " Dick said as he took the ice cream.

" _Ya, no problem! Hey, where's Lapis?_ "

" _She is still getting changed, she will be here momentarily._ "

Dick and George waited there for a few moments while eating their ice creams. As they begin to finish their ice creams, Lapis finally came out.

As Lapis walked out, both George and Dick were left speechless with how hot Lapis looked in her orange bikini.

" _Hey guys, sorry I took so long._ "

George and Dick still stood there, not saying a word.

" _Hey, guys… Are you ok?_ "

Dick and George still said nothing.

" _Guys… Umm… Can one of you help me with my bikini? It's still a little loose in the back._ "

As soon as she said that, Dick and Georges noses began to bleed, and then both of them fell to the ground.

" _Guys! Are you ok!?_ "

Dick and George finally got a hold of themselves and stood up.

" _Um… Ya… I think we ate that ice cream to fast…_ " Dick said, trying to find an excuse.

" _Oh, ok. As long as you are ok…_ "

All three of them stood around for a moment. Until George broke the silence.

" _Hey, let's show you some of the fun things we can do on the beach!_ "

" _Ya! That's a good idea!_ " Dick said in agreement.

The three then began to run to the water. However, when they got on the sand, Lapis seemed completely amazed by the sand. She stopped, and then begin lay in the sand.

Dick and George took notice of this.

" _Hey Lapis, what are you…_ " George stopped talking when saw that Lapis was rubbing the sand all over her body.

George didn't know what to say.

" _Oh... Oh… Oh man…_ "

George then ran into the water, with Dick following him.

" _Hey George, is everything ok?_ "

"Oh man… I have a boner man!"

The two then went silent, and stood in the water for a good 5 minutes, while watching Lapis play in the sand.

" _You know, maybe we should do something, so we don't look like two old men just standing in the water staring at a blue girl as she plays in the sand,_ " Dick said.

" _Ya good idea… How about we… HAVE A SPLASH FIGHT!_ "

George then splashed some water in Dicks' face.

" _Oh, so that's how you want to play… Well, take this!_ "

Dick then splashes some water in George's face.

This, of course, results in an all out splash fight. This splash fight is so fun, that George forgot about Lapis, and his boner is gone. However, what they don't know is that trouble has arrived.

While George and Dick played in the water, Lapis continued to play in the sand. While she was playing in the sand, two men walked up to Lapis and began to kick sand in her face. Some of it got in her mouth, and she immediately tried to spit it out, but the two men kept kicking more sand.

Fortunately, Dick took notice of this, and he immediately recognized the two men.

" _Hey George, stop! Those two beach bullies are being mean to Lapis._ "

George looked at the two with disgust.

" _Dammit! Obama and Osama are at it again! We gotta help her!_ "

George and Dick then ran out of the water, and immediately pushed the two bullies away from Lapis. However, Obama decided that he was not finished.

" _Umm… You better get out of our umm… side of the beach or we will umm… beat the crap out of you._ "

Dick and Bush were not intimidated by this.

" _You don't scare us you, Communist! Quick Bush, attack now!_ "

Dick and George then charged at Obama and Osama. Dick and George were, of course, able to easily beat the crap out of the two bullies. The Bullies then ran away and hid in the beaches bathroom.

" _Oh no, Obama! They beat the crap out of us! How can we possibly beat them?_ " Osama said with true fear in his voice.

" _Don't umm… worry Osama, I umm… Have a plan to stop them._ "

Outside of the bathroom, Dick and George were helping Lapis up. Dick, of course, was the most concerned.

" _Lapis, are you ok?_ " Dick said, nearly on the verge of tears.

" _Ya, I'm fine, it's just a little sand._ "

Lapis stood up, brushed the sand off of herself, and then stared at the water.

" _Hey, guys, how about we just go swimming._ "

Dick and George thought this was a good idea, and started to head towards the water. However, as they were walking, the beach bathroom suddenly blew up. This caught all three of them off guard. They looked back to see what had happened, and when the smoke finally cleared, they saw a man that looked like Obama but had the beard of Osama floating in the air.

" _You thought you could umm… beat us? Well, we are now umm… Obama Bin Laden!_ "

Obama Bin Laden then charged at Dick and knocked him to the ground. He then turned to George, and roundhouse kicked him, knocking George to the ground. He was then about to turn his attention to Lapis but then noticed that there was a table made of water by him. Before he could do anything, water changes grabbed him and trapped him to the table. Lapis then walked up to him and placed a rag on his face. At the moment, Obama Bin Laden realized what was happening, but it was too late.

Lapis began to dump water onto the rag, and this caused Obama Bin Laden to feel like he was being suffocated. Obama Bin Laden begged for her to stop, but she said nothing and continued to waterboard him.

After about five minutes of this, Obama Bin Laden unfused. The two were scared, they ran as fast as they could from the beach while pissing them selves.

Lapis then saw that George and Dick had recovered, but we're still in some pain.

" _Hey… You guys just want to grab some more ice cream, and just lay on the beach?_ " Lapis asked, and both Dick and George agreed that it was a good idea.

They all grabbed their ice creams and laid on the beach for the rest of the day. Nothing else happened, they just relaxed, and when it started getting late, they decided to head home.


	4. The Merican way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's finally time...

Dick, George, and Lapis sat in their Merican made helicopter. Like all smart Mericans, they brought with them a lot of guns, a lot of beer and a WHOLE lotta burgers. You can’t fight Communism on an empty stomach.

“Hot damn these are some good old Merican burgers, Dick! Where did you get these?” George asked. 

“Mcdonalds.” Dick replied. 

Lapis couldn't help but stare in confusion at her two friends. They didn't even tell her what the plan was when they landed. Instead, they focused on the burgers. 

“Uhh, guys?”

Dick and George looked up to see what their Blue Merican wanted. 

“Shouldn't we be focusing on the battle ahead of us?” 

The two looked at each other in confusion. Then, George remembered something very important. 

“Wait Dick, Lapis doesn't know about the Merican way!”

Before Lapis could question what this “Merican way” was, Dick handed her an M4 carbine and a beer.

“Our plan is simple. When we land, we get out and start shooting!” Dick explained, completely excited. 

Lapis looked over the gun. It felt good in her hand. Though she didn't understand the beer. 

“What is this… Beer?”

Before Dick could give a Merican explanation, George pushed him out of the way.

“Beer makes you shoot better! Very important when fighting Communists! You should dra-”

Before George could even finish, Lapis had already drunk the entire beer. 

“More please.” Lapis asked while tipping the bottle upside down. 

George, of course, handed her another beer. Clearly, she was more than ready to fight Communists. Only a true Merican would drink pure Merican beer so quickly. 

“I wanna nice Merican beer too!” 

“That a boy Dick!”

With beers in one hand and guns in the other, they were truly ready to fight that Communist bastard Elmo. There was just one problem though. Their pilot didn't have a beer.

George couldn't bring himself to drink without making sure everyone had a beer. That would be very unMerican. 

“Hey, pilot guy! You wanna nice Merican b-”

George was very surprised to see the pilot was already drinking. However, he wasn't drinking Merican beer. He was drinking Russian Vodka.

“V-V-V-VODKA?!” 

The Pilot looked back in confusion. 

“ Они сказали, что я мог пить, когда меня наняли.”

George looked at the man in absolute shock. He knew what had to be done.

“You're a Communist!”

George pointed his M4 carbine at the Russian bastard and opened fire. The Merican bullets made short work of the Communist. Lapis and Dick looked on in shock.

“Our pilot was a Communist?! How could this happen?!” Dick wondered.

“WHY ARE YOU NOT CONCERNED THAT THE HELICOPTER IS GOING TO CRASH!?”

Again, Dick and George looked at each other in confusion. This time though, they couldn't figure out why she was worried. 

“When the helicopter lands, we get out and start shooting. Don’t you remember the plan?” Dick asked.

Before Lapis could respond, the helicopter crashed to the ground. Lapis was knocked around a little and her gun was destroyed. Dick and George were seemingly not affected at all. 

“Don’t worry Lapis, you get used to it!” George commented.

“Ya! NOW LET'S GET SHOOTING!” Dick excitedly yelled. 

While Lapis got herself back up, Dick and George ran out with backpacks full of guns burgers and beer. To their surprise, they crashed near one of Elmo's mini outposts. They knew they had to find cover, so they ran back into the helicopter. The moment they made it inside, the outpost guards opened fire.

“Oh boy! This will be like that one time when we helped Hank Hill! Remember that time Dick?!” George yelled with glee.

“Now's not the time to reminisce, George, we gotta return fire!”

Dick pulled his custom made M4 Carbine with a grenade launcher attachment out and ran out to face the communists. Normally Lapis would have questioned such disregard for personal safety. Instead, she picked up a gun.

“Let's do this.”

George looked back at her with a smile but was also surprised by her gun of choice.

“A Calico M960? Why is that on the Helicopter?”

“What? I think it looks cool.”

George couldn't argue with that.

“Well a gun is still a gun, so let's go shooting! Oh and don’t forget your backpack!”

Like a child on a sugar rush, George ran out without a care in the world. Lapis with her backpack on followed behind and immediately ducked behind some helicopter debris. Dick and George were also behind said debris. 

“Glad you two finally came out. Now looks like we are dealing with four armed Elmo troops.”

George laughed a little hearing this. 

“Only four? Ha!”

George immediately stood up and started shooting. He managed to kill two of them before he crouched back down. Lapis was quite impressed and inspired. 

“Let me try! Let me try!”

Lapis stood up and unloaded her clip in the two troops. Like all nonMericans, they died within seconds. Dick and George already knew Lapis was good at killing Communist, but being able to shoot them proved just how good she was. 

“Now that's what I’m talking about!” 

George was extraordinarily proud of Lapis. Dick was also proud, but he only stared at her in silent awe. Lapis got a little worried.

“Dick, are you ok?”

Dick snapped out of his trance. 

“Sorry about that. Normally you gotta fight Communists for a few years before you get that good at shooting. You truly are amazing Lapis!”

Lapis couldn't help but give a proud Merican smile. Though this was quickly interrupted by George.

“Hey! Check out this garage!”

Lapis and Dick made their way over to the garage. With their helicopter destroyed, they would need some way of getting to Sesame Street. Fortunately for them, inside was military grade Jeep with no top. 

“Well hot damn! I call backseat!” George yelled, right before jumping into the back.

Lapis looked over the Jeep. She didn't really know what to make of it, but she liked it. Though that was mostly because George really seemed to like it. 

Dick volunteered himself to drive the Jeep. George was dead set on sitting in the back, and Lapis probably didn't know how to drive. This wasn't anything new though since George always liked to sit in the backs of random vehicles they found. This time though, someone would actually be sitting in the passenger seat. 

Lapis couldn't help but be a little nervous though. It was her first time riding in a car and she didn't know what to expect. Dick took notice of this. 

“Don’t worry Lapis, I have been driving for-”

“NO TIME FOR TALKING DICK! LETS GO GO GO!”

George was right. At any moment more Elmo troops could show up. Wouldn’t take long for Elmo to notice that one of his outposts had gone quiet. Also George just really wanted to have some fun. 

Dick slammed on the gas and drove out of the garage at Merican speeds. They made their way out of the outpost, but not before doing a few donuts. Just in time to, as an Elmo transport could be seen pulling up to the now open garage. Lapis was the only one that saw this as Dick and George were having too much fun to notice. 

She wasn't worried. She assumed that things like that always happen to them. Instead, she decided to just enjoy the ride. George sure as heck was.

“YA!!! JEEP! YYYAAAAA!!!!” 

While George bounced up and down in his seat, Dick was going around 90 miles an hour down the empty road. He didn't say anything, but the open-mouthed smile on his face showed just how much fun he was having. This continued for a while until they finally got close to their destination.

In the distance, they could see that Elmo had been busy. A large fence surrounded Sesame Street, with guard towers scattered around. There was no way they could sneak in. The only safe way in was the gate.

“Well Dick, you know what to do.” George said, with a smile. 

Dick nodded and slammed on the gas. Lapis started to get worried when she realized he was driving right up to the gate. 

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”

Dick looked to her with a reassuring smile.

“We’re busting in! Hold on tight!”

Lapis took his advice and held on to her seat. George pulled his gun out, ready to shoot any guards that tried to stop them. Dick was completely focused on the gate and knew that George would keep them safe. 

Two guards stood by the gate, ready to kill anyone that tried to get in. Normally Elmo would have stationed more guards, but he was expecting Dick and George to arrive in a helicopter. So most of the guards were on anti-air patrol. 

When they saw the Jeep coming at them, they opened fire. Though this didn't last long as George was able to make short work of them. With no one else in their way, they busted open the gate. 

Inside, they could fully see what Elmo had done to the place. 

Sesame Street was in a complete state of poverty. Only factories and weapon buildings could be seen. No one could be seen walking around. I tear rolled down Dicks' face as he truly saw what Communism had done to the once great Sesame Street.

Lapis was shocked to see how sad Dick suddenly was. It almost caused her to cry. 

George wanted to say something to cheer them up, but he couldn't think of anything. Not when they were staring at such a horror. 

Dick was the one to finally break the silence. 

“Let’s liberate this place.”

With no other warning, Dick slammed on the gas. George and Lapis wanted to question Dick but figured that he knew what he was doing. It’s the Merican way.

Many Elmo soldiers started to shoot at their Jeep as they drove by, but none of them could hit it. They were so bad that Lapis wasn't even scared anymore. If anything, she found it funny.

“Hmm… Maybe puppets are just bad at being soldiers.” Lapis wondered.

“Starting to look that way. Maybe that’s why you never see puppets in the army.” George added. 

They continued to drive while listening to the gunshots. This went on for a little bit until Dick abruptly stopped next to the only non-trashy looking building. Didn't take long for Lapis and George to realize that this was more than likely where Elmo was. 

“About time! These Elmo soldiers are starting to get boring!” George said as he looked around at the soldiers still missing their shots. 

“Ya, let's just hope Elmo puts up a good fight.” Lapis added. 

Dick looked back at both of them with a very serious look on his face. 

“This isn't about just fighting anymore… This is about liberating Sesame Street… AND SHOOTING GUNS!!!”

Dick pulled his gun out and ran into the building. Lapis and George looked at each other and followed behind. It looked like the liberation mission was going to be much shorter than anticipated.

Inside though, they were surprised to see that the building was empty. Looked more like a warehouse than anything else. They thought that Dick might have been wrong. 

As they go further in the building though, they saw something very disturbing. Small Nukes. Lots and lots of small nukes. All ready to be used. 

“What in the heck is going on here? What is Elmo planing?” Dick wondered.

It didn't make any sense to them. Why create a bunch of small nukes if you could create a bunch of big nukes? They wouldn't have to wonder for long though, as a giant wall mounted TV turned on. On that Tv, was Elmo.

“Now that you are all here, I suppose you are wondering what I, Elmo, am planning.”

The three looked at Elmo with pure anger in their eyes but didn’t interrupt him.

“I know what you Mericans like, and that is why I have all of these nukes! When the time comes… I will nuke every Mcdonalds in Merica!” 

All three of them gasped at the same time. 

“YOU MONSTER! WE WON’T LET YOU GET AWAY WITH THIS!” Dick yelled.

Elmo simply laughed.

“If you want to stop me… You will have to beat me!”

The TV suddenly turned off. The three looked around frantically for what Elmo could be planning. It became very clear to them when a large garage door suddenly opened. On the other side of that door was a ten-foot tall battle suit with two gatlin guns mounted on its shoulders and the North Korean flag on its chest. 

“I worked the Elmo workers nearly to death to make this! Now prepared to be killed by a true leader!”

The three had gotten what they wanted. Elmo was ready to give them a true fight and walked out with an evil laugh.  Now, they just needed to show Elmo the Merican way. 

“Everyone spread out!” Dick commanded.

George ran behind the pile of nukes while looking through his backpack. Dick stayed where he was and fired at Elmo with everything he had. Lapis managed to get behind Elmo but didn't really know what to do. Dicks bullets were doing nothing to Elmo. 

“Ha ha ha ha! Your Merican bullets are no match for me! NOW WITNESS THE TRUE POWER OF COMMUNISM!”

The roof of the building suddenly opened, and the missiles pointed to the sky. The large TV turned back on, and a 20-minute timer started to count down. George had a look of absolute horror on his face. 

“WE GOTTA STOP ELMO NOW!”

George pulled two guns out and opened fire on Elmo. Elmo simply laughed and started to shoot at George and Dick. The two started to run around to room to avoid the communist bullets while Elmo continued to laugh. 

Forchenetly, Elmo had completely forgotten about Lapis, who was still standing behind Elmo. She still had no idea what to do. Merican bullets clearly weren't working. 

“This is looking bad… If only I had some wat-”

Lapis suddenly remembered something. She reached into her backpack and pulled out a twelve pack of beer. She quickly poured six of them on the ground, while drinking the other six. 

Elmo was still focused on Dick and George. So Lapis knew that it was now or never. 

She used her powers to lift the beer puddle up and threw it at the nukes. Suddenly, static could be heard coming from the launching platforms, and a large red error message could be seen flashing on the TV screen. Elmo stopped shooting to see what was going on.

“What?! How could th-”

Elmo noticed all the beer covering the platform. At that moment, he looked behind and noticed Lapis. 

“YOU RUINED EVERYTHING!”

Elmo backhanded Lapis across the room. Dick and George looked on in horror as she hit the wall incredibly hard.

“LAPIS!” They both yelled in unison. 

To everyone's surprise, though, Lapis stood right back up.

“Is that all *Hiccup* you got you *Hiccup* Commy?”

Elmo was extraordinarily pissed at this point and opened fire on her. Lapis simply formed a beer shield around herself and started to drunk laugh at Elmo. George and Bush watched in awe, but then realize that they had an opportunity to do some damage. 

“Quick Bush! Take my grenade launcher and destroy his gatlin guns!”

“Sounds good Dick! But what are you-”

Bush stopped and smiled when Dick started to eat a bunch of burgers. 

“Oh man Dick! It’s been years since I saw you kick someone’s ass! Yeehaw!!!”

George loaded up the grenade launcher and fired it directly at Elmos back. His suit didn't take much damage, but the gatlin guns were rendered useless. Lapis continued to drunk laugh as Elmo turned around to yell at Dick and George. 

“YOU MERICANS ARE REALLY STARTING TO PISS ME OFF!”

Elmo ran at the two, not really caring that his plans were completely ruined. All he cared about now was killing those Merican bastards. However, when he tried to punch one of them, Dick was effortlessly able to block it with his chest. Elmo was confused, while Dick simply smiled.

“Get ready for a Merican ass whooping!”

Dick punched Elmo directed in the face, going completely through the helmet. Elmo fell to the ground with a thud but quickly got back up. To his shock though, Dick had ripped his shirt off to reveal his strong toned muscles and his glowing six pack abs.

“MERICA!!! HECK YAAAAA!!!!”

Dick unleashed a barrage of punches on Elmo at Merican speeds. Elmo could do nothing to stop him. George ran up to Lapis to make sure she was ok. Though he didn't even need to ask her since she couldn't stop laughing at the ass-kicking Elmo was receiving. George decided to join in on the laughing. 

This continued for about five minutes until Lapis had a drunk idea.

“Hey, Dick! Throw El *Hiccup* mo in the air really really *Hiccup* really high!”

Dick had no idea what she had planned, but he really wanted to find out. Though instead of throwing Elmo, he simply just uppercutted him really hard. It was the Merican way.

Lapis used her “water” powers to make a beer hand and grabbed one of the mini-nukes. While Elmo was flying straight up in the air, Lapis threw the nuke directly at Elmo. The explosion was bright and loud for all of Sesame Street to see. 

Dick and George watched in awe of what she had done. Lapis, on the other hand, grabbed another beer and watched with a drunk smile. 

When the explosion finally cleared, Elmo came crashing back down right in front of them. His battle suit was melted and rendered useless. Elmo was dazed, confused, but still alive. George pointed his gun at Elmos face, ready to finally end it. But then…

“NO! DON’T SHOOT HIM!”

The three turned to see who had said that. Fortunately for them, it was another true Merican. 

“Big Bird? Why shouldn't we shoot this Communist?” George asked.

“You don’t understand! That's not Elmo!”

Big Bird grabbed one of the beers and poured it in Elmo’s open mouth. The moment he did this, Kim Jong il's spirit left Elmo’s body and floated out of the building.

“YOU HAVEN'T SEEN TO LAST OF MEEEEEEEeeeeeee…”

Dick and George were completely shocked by this. Lapis was also shocked, but she was too drunk to show it.

“Well Dick, that explains the North Korean flag on the battle suit...” George said, feeling kinda dumb.

“Ya, I should have known that Elmo would never betray Merica…” 

Lapis was to busy eating a burger to say anything. 

Big Bird pulled Elmo out of the suit and held him in his arms. Even though Elmo was probably in a lot of pain, Big Bird was just happy that he was safe now. Though, he knew the countless lives lost to Kim Jong Elmo would forever stain their Streets reputation.

“I’m going to take Elmo to the hospital. The people and puppets of Sesame Street thank you for helping us in our hour of greatest need.”

As Big Bird walked away, George looked over the nukes. Though the launch platforms were ruined, the nukes clearly still worked. 

“Hey Dick, call up a truck to take these nukes back home.”

Dick liked this idea.

“Good thinking George! You never knew when nukes might come in handy.”

After calling a truck for delivery, the three went back to their Jeep. Lapis needed some help since she was too drunk to walk, but that was about it. 

As they drove out of Sesame Street, many puppets cheered them on. Dick simply smiled and waved while George and Lapis were chanting Merica repeatedly. 

It would take a while before they got back home, but they didn't mind this. They had done a great Merican deed, and Sesame Street would never forget…

This isn't the end though. Kim Jong Il's spirit was still free, and they knew he would strike again. And when he did, the three Mericans would be there to stop him. You can count on that.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading! I hope you enjoyed! And have a good Merican day!


End file.
